This week has been crazy to say the least. But how do you know what your built for unless something draws it out of you? For starters, I came across Isaiah 43:18-19

“But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”

Stunned!

This past week began to make so much sense. I don’t recall if I mentioned but, I am, I was in a relationship. It wasn’t an easy one but, honestly what relationship is. Any who he proposed to me. Yes, proposed! And it wasn’t till that exact moment that I realized he wasn’t good for me. No well, truthfully that’s a lie. I’ve always known but, when he asked, if I would marry him the first and only response I could think of was no! No!

I mean, it was like an outer body experience. I was standing right in front of myself watching my entire life play before my eyes in an attempt to identify where and when my strength was stolen from me. When did I lose the ability to advocate for myself? I couldn’t understand how I could be so weak all this time. Why, was I always putting the feelings of others before my own? Then suddenly I saw it! Looking at my 8 year old self squinting so hard at the television I began getting a slight headache because despite how hard I squinted or concentrated the screams and cursing just got louder. BOOM!

Stop, okay, stop…

Sitting on the couch, knees pulled closely to my chest, not attempting to cover my ears because I thought it was best if I pretended I couldn’t hear. Unfortunately, I heard everything; violence resonated so loud from the next room that my voice disappeared into fear and disappointment which sat right there comforting me.

Please don’t get me wrong the man I called father never laid a hand on me. However, as he said, he loved me and threw his arms around me fear and disappointment over crowded me. Just like a Willow tree withers from lack of water my speech continued to wither as violence and love together visually and mentally drained me. Will you marry me?! repeated in my ear. “Willow, your friend fear and disappointment are still standing here.” I couldn’t respond with my past and future battling to be the dominant one. The memory of the man I called father, over shadowed this man on his knee.

Willow is strong!

Willow can do all things….Stop!

I tell myself. Reciting in my mind, “Gird yourself in truth” remember Ephesians. Honestly how much of this relationship was built with fear? Was fear so intertwined that it was masked as love the whole time? 

This was a 10 yr long relationship. When did I allow the devil to creep in my mind and tell me, “I should give my heart, my mind even my body and soul away.” Like the young child hearing screams from the next room again I relinquished all of me. Holding secrets for a man that can swiftly turn my world black and blue I recall the that time may past attacked and I disappeared into you. It was the moment you knowingly held my entire heart in your hands but, still you slept with another. Undoubtedly aware, I declared, “I love you so much that you could have your cake and eat it too”. 

Opening my eyes, seeing you knelt, down on one knee I clearly hear discernment say, “get back to me” and the words escape me with more air than sound, no! Louder, No! I was empty. The worth I had for me was gone, but through Christ I will remember me! Again Isaiah 43:18-19 called out to me saying, “But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Reading the promise God had for me coupled with me belting the truth I was set free. God made a pathway through my wasteland of a relationship. I felt fearless as strength filled me. Thankfully, a new friend Peace sat right next to me. Oh, and disappointment well it to had to leave. I refused to cry over someone who only withdrew and never poured into me. God is doing something new for me. So, I challenge you to get ready. Gird yourself with truth and gather your strength from God who will nourish the roots of your Willow Tree.

The truth will be uncomfortable but, speak your truth to God, fortify yourself for he already knows. 

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