Walking, my knees shook. The fight was between pursuing a predestined future and pushing through the bars of shame from my past mistakes. Then I felt the acceptance of God’s love change my mind…
I should start by introducing myself. Hi, I’m a nobody!
Yeah, I know in Psalm 139: 13-14 it states, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb... I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Parts of me feels that reigns true, but as I take this journey hopefully you'll come along too because when I say I am a nobody I'm stating that I, in no way am I better than you.
For instance, my best friends only know what I allow them to.
But I feel encouraged to share in hopes that through the stories, experiences, struggles…my vulnerability you and I both can accept the Spirit of Truth.
Could this be a season of redemption? I don’t know, is it ever too late to find you? I hope not, because at the age of 29 I am slowly finding my footing, However, it seems like according to the world I should be much further along, so hesitantly I find myself standing in front of this bay window that has always been a pillar of reflection and realizing as everything seems to blur that I needed to make a commitment. Staring at this Willow Tree with with my head bowed and tears filling my eyes, it dawns on me that a commitment to freedom and peace means no more pushing emotions down where they fester or hide. Honestly, I’ve done that so long I don’t know how or what to feel and I don’t share this because I want others to pity me or because I thought it would be a great way to show off any changes that’s revealed.
But, God I say I Do, because I don’t want anyone or anything more than I want you. I want to officially tell You that Your opinion means the world to me. I say I do because I don’t want to exist another second in this life without You. I tugged and pulled because You wanted what’s best for me and that involved relinquishing control or surrendering some situations even people I considered safety. So clearly I don’t know my own needs! Lord, when all was said and done none remained faithful or unconditionally loved me. You’re the only One! You’ve been here in spite of me. You never left me! Instead, you cleansed me regardless of the continual bumps and falls! So, yes God, I’m willing to do whatever necessary to gain more of You and lighten this load I’ve been trying to juggle with no help that I could trust or call.
So, walking my knees shook from the fight between pursuing a predestined future and pushing through the bars of shame from my past mistakes, but I felt the acceptance of Your love change my mind about imperfections that had me chained. Uncomfortably, leaving shame in the dust because it’s presence had been there so long it’s familiarity had my trust. Lord, I clung tighter to every word You spoke in hopes that Your living word could redirect my misguided areas of trust. Thus, I recited what You said about the plans You had for us. Because they are “Plans to prosper me not to harm me, to give me life and a future.” Lord I Do, since everything I encountered in my life I survived because of You. I know! You know me better then I know myself; so, why not go ahead and surrender both hands since you created me you even made the plans. I give You the reins to my life and as you make me new, please allow Your truth to give me new insight. Yes, I know it won’t be easy and I’ll probably fall from time to time, but I’ll yield my heart, my mind, and my soul for Your call. Lord I Do!
When you’re tired of operating in your brokenness and allowing shame along with distrust to be your spokesperson, God will finally able to truly release all the goodness that He promises you. Don’t get me wrong God’s present in your life regardless of you, but some things you only get when you allow him to tend to the jagged pieces of your brokenness. For me, I couldn’t take anymore and I wanted life more than I wanted the heaviness, so I share my truth in hopes that you can find freedom in the Spirit of Truth Jesus’s sacrifice granted you!
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